Dear Maz,
Change Your Mind?
I still need to get you the sunflower farm I promised you 🌻
How I Plan To Be Worthy Of Marrying You
I understand finance is a big thing. Do you think I would ever come to your family and ask for your hand in marriage knowing I can't provide for you? I promise you Maz, I'm building for our future but I also realise the now is important too. Which is why I'm going to take action and work on that.
If I was to ever die, my legacy would be you. The only thing left of me would be you, so I need to make sure you are looked after and I will Maz, I promise.
I know at the moment I'm not buying you bags and jewellery but wallah I will. Since we've been talking again I've improved in every facet of life. I want to get better for you but it's going to take time and I will try make it as quick as possible.
I actually never told you this (well I texted your blocked number it) but sometime last year I was really sick and I actually wrote a will and I put in the will that I left everything to you. I know it sounds a bit morbid but again I wanted to make sure I could take care of you in some regard.
Since I've known you my whole thing has been a provider, that's who I am. I will work and work and work until my hands bleed if it means your hands stay pretty and taken care of. I promise you nothing on this earth can stop me from being successful for you Maz. Please just trust me.
I'm making good progress and everything I'm doing is for you. You're my muse Maryam Makayla Gull. (Also I've put this in a website to show you my skills I've been learning lol???)
I'll Be Here When You Land
I am probably the happiest and proudest person in the world about you becoming a pilot. By the way, if there's a ceremony or something I want to be there please. I would pray every day that you made it and achieved your dreams — I'm your biggest supporter Maz.
So honestly I can't wait until you're a pilot. I love when you travel because I know how much you love travelling. So honestly? That won't be a problem. Wherever you go I'll be waiting for you when you land back home. I'll pick you up with flowers every time and take you home. It won't be an issue for me.
I'm going to be here working my arse off so that every time you land back home I can show you the progress made towards our future. I'm going to be there working to make you proud.
This situation has taught me a lot and one major thing is that we don't need to talk 24/7. I just need to be there when you need me. I just need to play my role as a husband and your man. I promise you Maz, if this ever becomes a problem you can leave me, because if I ever get in the way of your dreams I deserve to be left.
Why I'm "Childish"
You are completely right. I'm childish. I act as though we're 16 and I need to be speaking to you 24/7. I've never had teenage love and socially I'm not the best so maybe that's why. But now that you've told me this I promise to make things right and not act like this anymore.
I think in some ways I was grown from early in terms of providing for you and making sure you were fed. Do you remember when you used to eat grapes all day and no food and I had to beg you to let me order you food?? And whenever we didn't talk and I asked what you ate and you said nothing?? You were so annoying back then.
However since I was 18 I've been in love with you and nobody else. Since that day I have not spoken to a single woman or looked in one's direction.
To be honest, and this is probably a red flag when I think about it, but I hold you in such high regard like a literal mythical creature.
Like you know those stories of Prophet Yusuf being so good looking that women would accidentally cut their hands when they walked past — that's how I imagine you to be. Like you're the most beautiful woman in the world and I was even scared to see you because I thought I wouldn't live up to expectations.
To me the word beauty is you, the word pretty is you. I've never seen a woman as perfect as you.
I don't have any urge to be with any other woman, I find every other woman disgusting. I deleted TikTok because I hated seeing women on there — I started to reduce the music I listened to and switched to podcasts because when songs talked about sex and things like that I would get disgusted. You're the only woman I ever want to be with.
I don't want to sound weird but the longing I have to hug you or touch your hair or your skin is so crazy, it's been 5 years and it's all I think about every day.
Maryam I love you so much princess wallah, like I don't have the words to describe it. I love you more than I love my own parents — that's bad I know but it's the truth. I believe nobody else on this earth loves you more than me. Yes. Nobody.
Our Future (No Throw Away)
It's kind of poetic I'm calling this "Our Future (No Throw Away)". Do you remember the love letter with the black page card and the white writing? I remember there was no lock on my room in Manny so I had to write the whole thing in a coffee shop actually. People were looking at me funny because I had a bunch of different coloured pencils and these white heart stencils everywhere LOOL.
But it's similar to what I said then — the goal hasn't changed. My intention is to marry you. I dream about this all the time Maz.
This is kind of gay but the reason I actually stopped speaking to Seraj was because I thought you were going to get married to someone else and he was with me when I found out. And like I started crying in front of him and I felt like such a bitch I ghosted him after that. The heartbreak I felt when I thought someone else was going to marry you — I'm not going through that again.
When I fell in love with you all the way back then it wasn't because of your looks. You're the prettiest girl in the world but it was because of your heart. You had the purest most kindest heart of a person I ever met. The type that's rare to find, the type that makes you feel like you can trust them with anything. The type you want your children to inherit, the type you want a mother to have.
I still remember the first time we ever spoke about getting married and I asked if your parents would like me and you said your mum would. I still remember when you would get annoyed at me if I wouldn't reply to you. I remember I took a couple hours and you hit me with an "oi" LOOOL. I remember that day we stayed up sending voice notes about life until 8am in the morning. I know it sounds stupid but that's still one of the best days of my life because I can pinpoint that to the day I fell in love with you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I know life has changed — that was years ago. We're different people now. But my feelings for you haven't changed. That same 18 year old boy who thought he hit the jackpot, I feel the same when I'm around you now. You bring out this inner child in me where it feels like I'm on top of the world.
Our future looks like big houses and private jets and country clubs. Our future looks like walking around arm in arm and people pointing at us thinking "they look so cute". Our future looks like picking our kids up from school in a G-Wagon with a bouquet of flowers for you and our daughter. But at the same time Maz, my future just looks like you.
I went through my whole camera roll for this for an hour or so and some of the stuff I saw I was tearing up. The love I have for you makes me so emotional and I know that's not manly to say — especially since I never cry. But when it comes to you all of that goes out the window. All the memories I have with you and all the small conversations I had screenshotted. The pictures of you that brought me back to the feeling of falling in love with you all over again.
A Love Letter In Pictures
Honestly there are so many other pictures but I really want to save them for when we're together in person and we can go over them together and laugh. I want to be able to spend time with you and you show me your camera roll and we laugh together.
I want to be able to hold you and take more pictures and create new memories. You were the person who showed me the importance of images and pictures. They create memories that live forever.
There are so many memories I want to make with you and I don't think life is long enough, and I want to start as soon as I can. Let's make memories together Maz, let's capture them in pictures and make picture books to look back on in the future. I love you more than words on a page can do justice — let's see if maybe we can create images and videos to do it justice.
Maryam Makayla Gull, I Love You
reasons I love you (and counting)
There are more than a hundred reasons why I love you but I'm going to list them to your face whilst I force you to watch Star Wars with me. Every day there's a new reason why I love you. I love you because nature reminds me of you, because you make me a better man and a better person.
So Please... Change Your Mind Maz ✈️🌻
Let me make sure you're fed because you might be out of grapes???
I love you so much that I can't put it into words. I'm not sure if you read the screenshots I sent you and the voice notes. But I'm better at speaking about the way I love you rather than typing it out.
I would text your blocked number every single day on iMessage about how much I missed you. 2 years straight. Every day. If I didn't do that I would feel as though I was cheating on you.
I used to pray every single day 5x a day that I could get you back. I would wake up at 4am and read tahajjud because I thought the only way I could get you back was through Allah. And tbh that's the reason I believe in religion at all. Because you did come back. And I can't waste that Maryam, I can't. I worked too hard and I prayed too hard for you to come back. I probably even made duas saying send me to hell just give me my Maz back???
Again there isn't a human alive that loves you more than I do — there won't ever be a human alive that loves anybody more than I love you. I wish there was a way to show you this feeling I have for you. I would give any organ in my body for you. I would genuinely trade my life for yours.
I love you. We're soulmates. We're meant to be. Tell me this is just a learning experience and let's move on. Give me a wedding to save up for.